I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away the tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
Dylan's Story
We had recently moved from Texas to Utah and had just bought a brand new home when we found out we were pregnant for the third time. Then on Halloween I started bleeding pretty heavily so I was scheduled for an ultrasound. I went in by myself because the day was pretty busy for everyone. I didn't know what to expect so I didn't think about it a whole lot. When they put the ultrasound up you could see that there was two sacks! I was having fraternal twins. The technician told me that what was happening was just implantation bleeding from having two babies. I was relieved that I wasn't having a miscarriage, but a little overwhelmed with the thought of having two babies. I was really sick for the next few months and could not keep any food down. Everything about the pregnancy was normal.
In February we found out that both babies were boys. We couldn't have been more thrilled. We would have two girls and two boys. They were both healthy and growing normally.
I went into pre-term labor at 32 weeks from a kidney infection so they were able to stop the labor. Then at 33weeks and 5 days I went into labor again. By the time we got to the hospital I was 4 cm dilated. They were able to stop the labor, but I had to stay at the hospital for a few days over Mother's day. They gave me shots of steriods in case they couldn't stop the labor so that the lungs of the babies would be developed. I was able to go home and go about my regular business.
Then at 35 weeks I went in on Tuesday to see the Perinatologist and have a stress test done. Both heart beats were strong. Then on Wednesday I went to my regular Dr. appointment and we set up a day to start my labor if I didn't go on my own in the mean time. Both heartbeats were strong and normal. Then the next morning I felt pretty sick all day. The girls were at grandma's house so I slept a lot. I thought that I hadn't felt Dylan move, but was unsure because it was really hard to tell with two babies which one was moving or not. I went into labor around 7:00. We knew that the Dr. would not be stopping the labor this time, so we waited until about 9:00 and packed up our things. We were laughing and joking all the way to the hospital. When we got there they put me on the montiors. They found Gavin's heartbeat right away. They had trouble finding Dylan's. I wasn't too concerned because with all these tests it had been hard to keep both heartbeats at the same time. The nurse pulled out the ultrasound and said that we would be doing a C-section because Dylan was laying sideways. She went over and over Dylan with the ultrasound and I asked if something was wrong. She said no and then left the room.
I was dilated to a 7 at this point and had been given no drugs. We were still pretty lighthearted and grateful to be done with this pregnancy. It was memorial day weekend so my regular dr. was out of town. One of his partners showed up a little later. She also looked at the ultrasound several times and told the nurse to get the OR emptied out ASAP. She told me we would discuss what was going to happen as soon as my husband returned. When he got back, she showed us Dylan on the ultrasound. She pointed to a spot and said that this was where Baby A's heart should be and it was not beating. She told us that she was pretty sure that we had lost Baby A. She said that we were going to rush into the OR and try to get Baby B out as quickly as possible. I was shocked. That image on the ultrasound will be forever burned in my mind.
When she left the room I told Brian that she must be wrong. We had had several spiritual experiences throughout the pregnancy that had made us think things would be fine. Brian had given me several blessings that I believed meant the babies would be ok. I was screaming at him to make it ok. They rushed me into the OR while Brian tried to dress quickly. They barely waited for me to be numb before they started in. I felt them take Dylan out and there was no sound. I screamed at Brian to go see what was going on. His eyes were full of tears and he just shook his head. He said they were working on him. He was 6 lbs. 5 oz. and 19 inches long. Seconds later I felt them get Gavin out and heard his screams. Gavin was 6 lbs. 3 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. He was completely healthy, but they wanted to take him up to the nursery to get a better look. I got to touch him for a few seconds before they left. Then the on-call pediatrician came over to Brian to explain that they had done all they could, but that Dylan was dead. It looked to him like he had been dead for a while. Brian was sobbing, but I just sat there in complete shock. How could this be happening? We had done everything right. I went to all my appointments. I did everything I could.
I told Brian to go and call our parents. He left to call them while I got cleaned up.
After I was all sewn up they gave me Dylan and rolled us back to our room. A grief counselor came in shortly there after. She bathed Dylan and dressed him. Then she did molds of his hands and feet. She took several pictures which I am extremely grateful for because I was too in shock to think of anything like that. She did a mold with our hands and Dylan's hand. I still love to look at it. It was about 2:00 in the morning at this point and my parents came. I cried when I saw my mother. I was exhausted and completely beside myself.
They brought Gavin down to our room and we laid him next to his brother. The counselor took pictures of them together and then did some molds of them holding hands.
After she was done they took Gavin back to the nursery and moved us to the post-partum area. Brian's parents arrived a few hours later. It was hard to see him so sad as I am sure it was for his parents. It meant a lot to both of us that our parents would drop everything to be there in our time of need.
The dr. came in a little later to tell me that all of the staff had met and the everything had looked completely normal. They had no idea what happened to Dylan. Even an autopsy weeks later would leave us with no precise reason for his death.
The girls were still in Idaho so they did not know. They got there later that afternoon. I cried as soon as I saw them. We had the social worker and the grief counselor in there with us as we told the girls. Poor little Maya's heart just broke at the news. No one in the room had dry eyes at this point. She told us that she had wanted both babies. She asked us why Dylan had to die and we had no answers for her.
After everyone left it was just Brian and I laying in the bed together holding Dylan. We sobbed as we said goodbye to our son and kissed his perfect skin. We called the nurse in and told her we were ready for her to take him. Giving my son to the nurse was the hardest thing I have ever done and will probably remain the hardest thing I will ever do. We sobbed as she left and just held one another.
The staff that was on that night were all deeply affected by our loss. They were all incredibly awesome to us. I am so grateful for all their kindness and the things that they did for our family.
My own dr. had been out of town, but as soon as he got back he came to my home. It was really nice to have him come there and give me a hug and tell me how sorry he was. He hoped I had some answers to why Dylan had died. We told him that we had both felt very strongly that Dylan had come to bring us Gavin and that his mission was complete. He simply needed a body and would not have to experience mortality.
Though we are at peace with Dylan's death, it is still hard for us. We felt cheated because we had felt so good about the twins. Looking back on those blessings that I had been given, they could have been interpreted with the results that we got. We were given two very special sons. One would not be with us, but he would always be in our hearts, and looking out for us.
Going to pick out a casket was very difficult. One should never have to bury their own child. His casket was so small. We got to dress him in a precious blessing outfit and I wrapped him in a blanket to lay him in the casket.
We had a graveside service for Dylan. We buried him with my Grandma Steen. This brought me so much comfort to be able to do that and know that my grandma would be looking after my sweet son. The service was nice and lots of friends and family came. We had so much support from family, friends, co-workers, and the ward. We felt very blessed to have so many people that cared about us.
I don't know that I will ever say that losing Dylan was a blessing, but I do know thatI was given a special challenge, and what I have to keep trusting is that special challenges permit for something special to float to the surface, something I may never have known about myself if May 23, midnight hadn’t have happened. So now it's about about letting go of what could have been and only holding on to the things that really matter. I have a greater understanding and appreciation for life. We strive to be better everyday so we can live together again. I have a firmer testimony of forever families.
I have much to learn still, but I know that we have been so blessed. There are many days when I cry and am very sad. Each day it gets a little easier. Keeping his pictures and things around help us all feel like he is a part of our family and we will never forget him.
In February we found out that both babies were boys. We couldn't have been more thrilled. We would have two girls and two boys. They were both healthy and growing normally.
I went into pre-term labor at 32 weeks from a kidney infection so they were able to stop the labor. Then at 33weeks and 5 days I went into labor again. By the time we got to the hospital I was 4 cm dilated. They were able to stop the labor, but I had to stay at the hospital for a few days over Mother's day. They gave me shots of steriods in case they couldn't stop the labor so that the lungs of the babies would be developed. I was able to go home and go about my regular business.
Then at 35 weeks I went in on Tuesday to see the Perinatologist and have a stress test done. Both heart beats were strong. Then on Wednesday I went to my regular Dr. appointment and we set up a day to start my labor if I didn't go on my own in the mean time. Both heartbeats were strong and normal. Then the next morning I felt pretty sick all day. The girls were at grandma's house so I slept a lot. I thought that I hadn't felt Dylan move, but was unsure because it was really hard to tell with two babies which one was moving or not. I went into labor around 7:00. We knew that the Dr. would not be stopping the labor this time, so we waited until about 9:00 and packed up our things. We were laughing and joking all the way to the hospital. When we got there they put me on the montiors. They found Gavin's heartbeat right away. They had trouble finding Dylan's. I wasn't too concerned because with all these tests it had been hard to keep both heartbeats at the same time. The nurse pulled out the ultrasound and said that we would be doing a C-section because Dylan was laying sideways. She went over and over Dylan with the ultrasound and I asked if something was wrong. She said no and then left the room.
I was dilated to a 7 at this point and had been given no drugs. We were still pretty lighthearted and grateful to be done with this pregnancy. It was memorial day weekend so my regular dr. was out of town. One of his partners showed up a little later. She also looked at the ultrasound several times and told the nurse to get the OR emptied out ASAP. She told me we would discuss what was going to happen as soon as my husband returned. When he got back, she showed us Dylan on the ultrasound. She pointed to a spot and said that this was where Baby A's heart should be and it was not beating. She told us that she was pretty sure that we had lost Baby A. She said that we were going to rush into the OR and try to get Baby B out as quickly as possible. I was shocked. That image on the ultrasound will be forever burned in my mind.
When she left the room I told Brian that she must be wrong. We had had several spiritual experiences throughout the pregnancy that had made us think things would be fine. Brian had given me several blessings that I believed meant the babies would be ok. I was screaming at him to make it ok. They rushed me into the OR while Brian tried to dress quickly. They barely waited for me to be numb before they started in. I felt them take Dylan out and there was no sound. I screamed at Brian to go see what was going on. His eyes were full of tears and he just shook his head. He said they were working on him. He was 6 lbs. 5 oz. and 19 inches long. Seconds later I felt them get Gavin out and heard his screams. Gavin was 6 lbs. 3 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. He was completely healthy, but they wanted to take him up to the nursery to get a better look. I got to touch him for a few seconds before they left. Then the on-call pediatrician came over to Brian to explain that they had done all they could, but that Dylan was dead. It looked to him like he had been dead for a while. Brian was sobbing, but I just sat there in complete shock. How could this be happening? We had done everything right. I went to all my appointments. I did everything I could.
I told Brian to go and call our parents. He left to call them while I got cleaned up.
After I was all sewn up they gave me Dylan and rolled us back to our room. A grief counselor came in shortly there after. She bathed Dylan and dressed him. Then she did molds of his hands and feet. She took several pictures which I am extremely grateful for because I was too in shock to think of anything like that. She did a mold with our hands and Dylan's hand. I still love to look at it. It was about 2:00 in the morning at this point and my parents came. I cried when I saw my mother. I was exhausted and completely beside myself.
They brought Gavin down to our room and we laid him next to his brother. The counselor took pictures of them together and then did some molds of them holding hands.
After she was done they took Gavin back to the nursery and moved us to the post-partum area. Brian's parents arrived a few hours later. It was hard to see him so sad as I am sure it was for his parents. It meant a lot to both of us that our parents would drop everything to be there in our time of need.
The dr. came in a little later to tell me that all of the staff had met and the everything had looked completely normal. They had no idea what happened to Dylan. Even an autopsy weeks later would leave us with no precise reason for his death.
The girls were still in Idaho so they did not know. They got there later that afternoon. I cried as soon as I saw them. We had the social worker and the grief counselor in there with us as we told the girls. Poor little Maya's heart just broke at the news. No one in the room had dry eyes at this point. She told us that she had wanted both babies. She asked us why Dylan had to die and we had no answers for her.
After everyone left it was just Brian and I laying in the bed together holding Dylan. We sobbed as we said goodbye to our son and kissed his perfect skin. We called the nurse in and told her we were ready for her to take him. Giving my son to the nurse was the hardest thing I have ever done and will probably remain the hardest thing I will ever do. We sobbed as she left and just held one another.
The staff that was on that night were all deeply affected by our loss. They were all incredibly awesome to us. I am so grateful for all their kindness and the things that they did for our family.
My own dr. had been out of town, but as soon as he got back he came to my home. It was really nice to have him come there and give me a hug and tell me how sorry he was. He hoped I had some answers to why Dylan had died. We told him that we had both felt very strongly that Dylan had come to bring us Gavin and that his mission was complete. He simply needed a body and would not have to experience mortality.
Though we are at peace with Dylan's death, it is still hard for us. We felt cheated because we had felt so good about the twins. Looking back on those blessings that I had been given, they could have been interpreted with the results that we got. We were given two very special sons. One would not be with us, but he would always be in our hearts, and looking out for us.
Going to pick out a casket was very difficult. One should never have to bury their own child. His casket was so small. We got to dress him in a precious blessing outfit and I wrapped him in a blanket to lay him in the casket.
We had a graveside service for Dylan. We buried him with my Grandma Steen. This brought me so much comfort to be able to do that and know that my grandma would be looking after my sweet son. The service was nice and lots of friends and family came. We had so much support from family, friends, co-workers, and the ward. We felt very blessed to have so many people that cared about us.
I don't know that I will ever say that losing Dylan was a blessing, but I do know thatI was given a special challenge, and what I have to keep trusting is that special challenges permit for something special to float to the surface, something I may never have known about myself if May 23, midnight hadn’t have happened. So now it's about about letting go of what could have been and only holding on to the things that really matter. I have a greater understanding and appreciation for life. We strive to be better everyday so we can live together again. I have a firmer testimony of forever families.
I have much to learn still, but I know that we have been so blessed. There are many days when I cry and am very sad. Each day it gets a little easier. Keeping his pictures and things around help us all feel like he is a part of our family and we will never forget him.
Precious Boy
Monday, January 12, 2009
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